Weaping becomes Joy!

I have the privilege of owning a Bridal Salon and Event Design Company with my mom.  Through my work, I have met amazing people.  Over a year ago, I met a mom at a bridal show and she shared her need for a wedding planner and event designer for her daughter’s upcoming wedding.  We clicked, she loved our work and she booked our services.  We have been working together with her daughter over the last year to plan and design her wedding day.  Through talking and sharing, I learned that this sweet lady has suffered 8 pregnancy losses...some babies that were as far along as 5 months.  My heart broke for her.  When I first learned that news, I was beginning IVF round 1.  As you may know, IVF round 2 was successful and I was pregnant.  I lost my baby at 7 weeks 3 days.  Over the days following my loss, I often thought of this mom that had lost 8 children.  I remember thinking..."If she can go through loss that many times and still get out of bed and function, then so can I."  Not only does this woman function but she exudes happiness.  She is a joyful person that shares a smile easily!  That doesn't mean the pain is gone because it certainly has left deep scars.  When I was sharing my struggles with her, her tears came quickly.  It brings everything back.  You never forget the loss of a child, someone you loved so much and didn't have the chance to meet and hold.

After her losses and deciding to seek another route to motherhood, she pursued adoption.  She adopted two lovely girls.  It was months into our relationship before we were told that the sisters were not made up of the parents’ DNA and furthermore, we were shocked that the sisters were not biological.  These girls not only look like each other but look like they were the mom and dad’s biological children.  Through the investment this mom made in the life of her adopted daughters, they are both amazing, strong women!

I share this story because tomorrow, this mom who suffered more heartache then one should have to bear, gets to celebrate the wedding of her DAUGHTER!  Praise the Lord that Joy Comes in the morning!  Tomorrow will be such a time of celebration, happiness and joy!  This story has been a reminder that God's plan is perfect and the pain that we are experiencing right now is only temporary.  I hope it encourages you as well.  We must keep going and be open to the path God directs for our life.  Adoption is not for everyone and certainly is not the solution to infertility but it is a beautiful way to experience motherhood.  I am so happy for this mom and her family.  

I will share a wedding picture tomorrow!  

xoxo,
Jessica

Finding Hope in the Hard world of Infertility

My sweet friends,

The past weeks have been filled with some of the darkest days of my life.  I have felt such grief, pain and anger.  I have cried buckets of tears.

INFERTILITY IS HARD...
On June 16th, David and I had an early appointment for our second ultrasound.  Although I was excited about my appointment and seeing our baby again, I also felt weird, a bit off center and not normal.  I found my hands trembling and heart racing as I got ready and during our drive to the office.  We went into the room and prepared for the ultrasound, as the nurse began by measuring the sac.  She said the baby was measuring 6 + weeks and immediately my heart sunk...I was 7 weeks 3 days at this date.  The nurse continued with the ultrasound quietly, without a word.  It went very fast.   She then had me sit up and said the words I'll never forget "The baby has no heartbeat, I'm so very sorry."  I was numb, in complete shock.  My husband and I were given time to pull ourselves together and then we met with the Doctor to discuss our loss.  My husband called out of work, followed me home where we comforted each other for hours...he held me, prayed with me, cried with me, let me talk when I needed and was quiet when I needed.

Ironically, the day after Father's Day, June 20th, I had a D & C.  This was a hard day.  It was so final...our pregnancy was officially over.  The physical recovery was going smoothly until a few days later.  I woke up at 3 am with awful cramping and by 10 am, I was in tremendous pain and could hardly speak.  I sent a text to David, asking him to please call my mom and my Doctor (in that order ha ha)!  He did and my mom rushed over to help me get to the hospital, per my Doctors orders.  Mom checked for a fever and gave me some medicine from one of my retrievals.  The medicine helped tremendously.

The ER visit was another "slap-in-the-face."  The staff at the hospital were, unintentionally, insensitive to my emotional condition and each staff member asked questions that were a constant reminder of the tremendous loss.  In addition, my release papers had, in big words, PREGNANT - POSITIVE.  However, I no longer was...

Currently, two weeks since that hospital visit, my HCG levels are still not back to 0, but thank goodness the cramping and bleeding are over.  I am beginning to feel like myself again, though, I miss being pregnant and keep thinking about how far along I would have been today or this week.

BEING PATIENT IS HARD...
I am very grateful that I now know I can "get pregnant."  I also understand that the odds are something genetically was wrong.  However, this does not take away the deep feelings of loss, failure and hopelessness. 
One of the hardest struggles is the continual waiting in this journey...
waiting for my cycle
waiting through injections
the two week wait
waiting for Beta results
waiting for a successful embryo thaw (my newest fear)
waiting for my sweet child to warm my heart, my life, my arms

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up like wings of eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

BEING PREGNANT IS HARD...
A naive person, I am not.  Infertility and the IVF process certainly strips away our naivety and innocence.  I honestly never thought of miscarriage in my scenario.  I thought the embryo might not "stick" but when it did, I was hopeful and full of joy.  I will never experience pregnancy with the sweet innocence I had always envisioned.  I am not being a pessimist but rather a realist.  Those of us struggling with infertility are poked, prodded, probed, evaluated, stimulated and on the list goes.  Constant failure breathes at your back.  The "roller coaster" analogy describes it best.   You are hopeful with anticipation as you embark, trepidatious as you climb to the top, elated when you reach the pinnacle, terrified of what's to come, literally, holding on for dear life and then you drop...

TTC WON'T MAKE ME HARD, IT HAS MADE ME STRONG

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes it is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

No doubt, the ride is depressing, challenging even maddening!  But...we get back on and ride again, experiencing all the ups and downs that TTC brings.  I have recognized I have one of two choices;  despaired and bitter or hopeful and joyful.  I am choosing to be hopeful and joyful.

My heart has been touched by the love and encouragement from family, close friends and my TTC sisters.  Please never underestimate the value of your sweet, encouraging words.  You have helped me recover and climb from my pit of despair.

Kind words are like honey...sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Proverbs 16:24

xo, 
Jessica