Finding Hope in the Hard world of Infertility

My sweet friends,

The past weeks have been filled with some of the darkest days of my life.  I have felt such grief, pain and anger.  I have cried buckets of tears.

INFERTILITY IS HARD...
On June 16th, David and I had an early appointment for our second ultrasound.  Although I was excited about my appointment and seeing our baby again, I also felt weird, a bit off center and not normal.  I found my hands trembling and heart racing as I got ready and during our drive to the office.  We went into the room and prepared for the ultrasound, as the nurse began by measuring the sac.  She said the baby was measuring 6 + weeks and immediately my heart sunk...I was 7 weeks 3 days at this date.  The nurse continued with the ultrasound quietly, without a word.  It went very fast.   She then had me sit up and said the words I'll never forget "The baby has no heartbeat, I'm so very sorry."  I was numb, in complete shock.  My husband and I were given time to pull ourselves together and then we met with the Doctor to discuss our loss.  My husband called out of work, followed me home where we comforted each other for hours...he held me, prayed with me, cried with me, let me talk when I needed and was quiet when I needed.

Ironically, the day after Father's Day, June 20th, I had a D & C.  This was a hard day.  It was so final...our pregnancy was officially over.  The physical recovery was going smoothly until a few days later.  I woke up at 3 am with awful cramping and by 10 am, I was in tremendous pain and could hardly speak.  I sent a text to David, asking him to please call my mom and my Doctor (in that order ha ha)!  He did and my mom rushed over to help me get to the hospital, per my Doctors orders.  Mom checked for a fever and gave me some medicine from one of my retrievals.  The medicine helped tremendously.

The ER visit was another "slap-in-the-face."  The staff at the hospital were, unintentionally, insensitive to my emotional condition and each staff member asked questions that were a constant reminder of the tremendous loss.  In addition, my release papers had, in big words, PREGNANT - POSITIVE.  However, I no longer was...

Currently, two weeks since that hospital visit, my HCG levels are still not back to 0, but thank goodness the cramping and bleeding are over.  I am beginning to feel like myself again, though, I miss being pregnant and keep thinking about how far along I would have been today or this week.

BEING PATIENT IS HARD...
I am very grateful that I now know I can "get pregnant."  I also understand that the odds are something genetically was wrong.  However, this does not take away the deep feelings of loss, failure and hopelessness. 
One of the hardest struggles is the continual waiting in this journey...
waiting for my cycle
waiting through injections
the two week wait
waiting for Beta results
waiting for a successful embryo thaw (my newest fear)
waiting for my sweet child to warm my heart, my life, my arms

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up like wings of eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

BEING PREGNANT IS HARD...
A naive person, I am not.  Infertility and the IVF process certainly strips away our naivety and innocence.  I honestly never thought of miscarriage in my scenario.  I thought the embryo might not "stick" but when it did, I was hopeful and full of joy.  I will never experience pregnancy with the sweet innocence I had always envisioned.  I am not being a pessimist but rather a realist.  Those of us struggling with infertility are poked, prodded, probed, evaluated, stimulated and on the list goes.  Constant failure breathes at your back.  The "roller coaster" analogy describes it best.   You are hopeful with anticipation as you embark, trepidatious as you climb to the top, elated when you reach the pinnacle, terrified of what's to come, literally, holding on for dear life and then you drop...

TTC WON'T MAKE ME HARD, IT HAS MADE ME STRONG

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes it is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

No doubt, the ride is depressing, challenging even maddening!  But...we get back on and ride again, experiencing all the ups and downs that TTC brings.  I have recognized I have one of two choices;  despaired and bitter or hopeful and joyful.  I am choosing to be hopeful and joyful.

My heart has been touched by the love and encouragement from family, close friends and my TTC sisters.  Please never underestimate the value of your sweet, encouraging words.  You have helped me recover and climb from my pit of despair.

Kind words are like honey...sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Proverbs 16:24

xo, 
Jessica