The Struggle is part of the Story

I am so thankful for the TTC community.  The ladies in our community are amazing!  We encourage and inspire each other, grieve with others who are likewise suffering or discouraged and celebrate with overwhelming joy a success of any kind and especially a BFP!  For so many months, I kept my struggle with infertility between my husband and myself. It wasn't that I was ashamed, I am just a private person.  Sharing my struggle and my story is the best decision I ever made.  It has been healthy to share the pain and fears and also to have a strong network for support, guidance and reassurance.  

The Struggle is part of the Story.  The injections, medicines, countless Doctor appointments, egg retrieval, embryo growth, embryo transfer, staggering financial costs, emotional turmoil and stress, all comprise the struggle.  However, these struggles have made me a stronger person, a more compassionate individual and have drawn me closer to God.  The struggle goes beyond the obvious. 

Even though I have gained the tremendous blessing of support through sharing, it remains a struggle to share.

Many women who conceive naturally would not consider to share the news of their pregnancy at only one month along.  There are still many critical milestones ahead in the baby’s growth...we have not even heard a heartbeat or had a sonogram!  You would think finally getting a BFP (big fat positive) would alleviate the apprehension, but it certainly hasn’t.  Psalm 34:4 comes to mind, “I sought the Lord, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears.”  I think it is only natural, in a sensitive situation like early pregnancy to be worried about a lack of symptoms, sharp pains, and even comparing your own Beta numbers to other ladies Beta numbers.  I have to continue relinquishing my fears to God who already has a perfect plan.

The past few days, I have been battling with myself over whether to share my news so early and the most appropriate way to share the BEST news I have ever received in my life! (I was doing this battling, while fighting the urge to do a backflip and shout to everyone I see “I am pregnant!!”) I am keeping positive thoughts, am overjoyed beyond measure and I am inviting prayer and support for our growing child. 

I would ask those who know David and me personally, please don’t share our special news before we have the chance to do so!  You are our most treasured of friends. I know, just by your interest in our situation and your love and caring messages, this is not too much to ask.  I have waited through years and throngs of negative pregnancy tests to have finally heard the words that play like beautiful music to my ears, “you are definitely pregnant!” Praise God! LET IT BEE!!!

I know that my news can bring pain to many of you struggling and waiting patiently for your own positive outcome.  This too is part of the struggle.  I refused to allow myself not to allow joy for others. I would think why her not me.  Then I would ask myself again…why not her?  It would help me every time. My prayer is that this step in my story would serve to strengthen our community with hope.  This is exactly what your stories have done for me.  Thank you!

David and I are overjoyed by the news that this round of IVF may just bring us our long awaited BABY BEE!  I am excited to continue sharing our journey, having you cheer us on and having your support and prayer.  I thank God every time I think of you! Philippians 1:3

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice!”

Philippians 4:4

Beta #1 done!

The best $2 I spent on this sash to surprise my family with the news of our Beta results!!

Patience in the Two Week Wait!

This Two Week Wait is not easy...oh my!  One hour I'm giddy with excitement and hope about being pregnant and the next hour, I'm anxious and scared that it might not work this time.  The evening of my transfer I downloaded my first pregnancy app...this was so exciting!  I wanted to begin tracking my pregnancy, which is tricky to do with IVF.  At transfer, the embryo is two weeks into development, it just happens in a petri dish!!  In the pregnancy app (I downloaded Ovia and What to Expect), I entered myself as in the beginning of week 3.  At the end of the two week wait, Beta day, I will be 4 weeks pregnant!  It was/is hard to process that I am actually pregnant...please Lord let me be pregnant!  I don't have bad eating habits, but I have been making a conscious effort to eat lots of fruits, veggies and protein and drink a lot of water.  I don't drink coffee and the hot tea I drink is decaf, but I have paid attention to caffeine as well.  I am taking care of myself as if I were pregnant, because I have to believe I am.

Per my Doctors recommendation, I was able to take several days off work to rest, let my body heal from the retrieval and transfer and to relax during a time when the embryo would be implanting in the uterine wall.  I just keep imagining what is happening inside my body...a new life is forming!  Since I had time, I read a lot through the apps I downloaded, but I also took to Dr. Google.  WHY do I do this to myself???!!  I know I'm not alone...we all do this...right?!  I would lay awake some nights, unable to sleep because of something I read: "Someone said they had cramping and spotting at Day 2 and 3," "Should I be moving around more," "Don't drink anything cold...great, I drank cold water today!," "Should I test early" and the list goes on and I would be wide awake anxious and fretting.  Ultimately, I understand and know that this is completely out of my control, but I do want to do the right things and make good decisions, to create the best environment for my baby to grow and to not hinder my chances of a successful pregnancy.

The symptoms can make me crazy too!  The lack of symptoms make me nervous and scared that the embryo maybe isn't sticking and getting comfy.  Then, the few symptoms I do have- breast tenderness, bloating, fatigue, which are all great early indicators of pregnancy are ALSO side effects of the progesterone that the Doctor prescribes to take after an IVF transfer.  Talk about confusing!  I have taken a lot of time to do things that I enjoy during this time as well...read, watch movies, read, cook, nap, organize, dream and plan for my nursery decor...that has all been wonderful and I am so thankful to have had this time.  I am back to work now and while that is a good distraction, it is hard to concentrate on tasks and focus, knowing what may or may not be happening inside my body!  I am also very emotional and sensitive, which make everyday conversations harder.

Patience and trust during the Two Week Wait is very difficult but it is essential to surviving.  During this time, you are the closest you've ever come to having what you've yearned for and desired for so long...being pregnant and having a baby.  However, the situation can also have the exact opposite outcome.  The only path to peace that I have found on my journey with infertility was within my relationship with God.  I continue to rejoice in hope!  As believers, what do we have if we don't have hope?  That applies to any struggle or unknown we are facing in life, not necessarily infertility.  I am striving for patience in tribulation.  Each day that passes and I worry with my lack of "symptoms," I have to continually cast my cares upon Jesus.  I am constant in prayer during this two weeks.  Praying for the outcome that God desires for David and me and our unborn children and praying that we can handle the news we receive in the coming days.  I have learned and continue to learn so much about myself during this journey.  My prayer is that God will use my pain, hurt, struggle and hope to bless someone someday.

I want to share one of my favorite scriptures with you:

Psalm 121:

I will lift up my eyes to the hills-
From whence cometh my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.

He will allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade at your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.

The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore.

Just like the incredible women of the Bible-Sarah, Rachel, Hannah and Elizabeth, some who had to wait longer than I could ever imagine to become a mother, and like me, when you are struggling during the wait in your life, you don't have to walk through the valley alone.  You can fall into the loving and safe arms of Jesus.  When you don't think you can continue on, He will carry you.  My help and hope comes from the Lord!

xo, Jessica

IVF #2 Update

It has been a busy month (and longer) as we went into our second round of IVF.  I wanted to give you all an update.  We have two embryos frozen but David and I wanted to do another egg retrieval with the hope of having a few more embryos for our future family!  I started the process again with birth control pills, which just makes anyone TTC crazy!!  My Doctor changed my protocol slightly this round and I began with Lupron injections every morning, we then added Follistim and Menopur in the evening on Day 9.  These medicines stimulate the ovaries to produce a large amount of follicles.  I began monitoring on Day 9 and would go for monitoring every other day, which then increased to everyday the closer we got to the retrieval date.  LOTS of shots later, we were given the go ahead to do the "Trigger Shot," which completes the maturation stage of the follicles.  David gave me this shot in my upper back hip at 3 am on Mother's Day...talk about a sting!  It is amazing what I will do and already have done to have a child and I can truly say that love hurts sometimes!  The trigger shot has to be given exactly 36 hours prior to the egg retrieval time.  By the way, David and I had lovely Mother's Day celebrations with both of our Mother's!  My mom and sister each gave me sweet gifts honoring me, as a mom to my embryos and also encouraging me for the road ahead.  It meant so much!

My egg retrieval was on May 9th at 3 pm.  I couldn't eat or drink after midnight the night before retrieval so needless to say, I was hungry and thirsty!  The retrieval went smooth and I wasn't as anxious since I had already done one a month and a half ago.  The Doctor was able to retrieve 36 eggs!!!!  We were thrilled and feeling very hopeful!  Last round, there was an issue with the eggs fertilizing naturally.  This time, ICSI was performed immediately and our results were amazingly better.  ICSI is when the embryologist uses a micro-needle to put the sperm into the egg.  By the next morning we had 29 that were fertilized!  They continue growing into blastocysts that are eventually frozen on Day 5 or 6.  I went home to recover after the retrieval and took it easy the rest of the day with my heating pad.  I also had a nice spaghetti dinner!

The rest of the week was spent at work and getting excited for our fresh embryo transfer on Saturday!  I had trouble sleeping on Friday night...it was definitely more exciting than Christmas Day!  I cleaned Saturday morning to distract me from the transfer and so everything was pretty when I returned and wanted to relax!  David and I drove the 1.5 hours to the transfer center on Saturday afternoon.  It was surreal thinking that in a few hours I would be pregnant!  Something I have waited and tried for years to accomplish.  We prayed before we entered the center...for God's blessing on the Doctor and team performing the transfer, for our embryo to attach and stay with us, for the provisions allowing us to seek infertility treatments and for our hearts to trust God for the outcome.  I just have to say, I am SO blessed by my husband...there is nothing better than having a man that seeks God and encourages me in my daily walk!  I love him!  The transfer was about 15 minutes total...so fast!  David was able to be in the room with me, which was so special.  It is definitely not the conventional way to make a baby, but we are blessed to have this opportunity and it's pretty amazing to get the "behind the scenes" look (just trying to stay positive)!!  We decided to transfer one embryo this cycle.  I consulted with my Doctor earlier in the week and we made this decision.  My progesterone levels were high at the time of Trigger, which causes the lining to be thicker than desired (even though all you hear is how you want a very thick lining...confusing!) so it isn't the best environment for an embryo to attach to the uterine lining.  David and I decided to proceed based on our feelings and the Doctors advice.  Again, this process is such a roller coaster!

They transfer the embryo using a catheter.  It is not a painful process just slightly uncomfortable for a few minutes.  The Doctor and team take such care in making sure the embryo has left the catheter and also with making us feel so special as new parents...even if only for a few weeks!  David held my hand the entire time and WE GOT TO WITNESS THE MIRACLE OF LIFE!  It was beautiful and incredible!  When the Doctor released the embryo into the uterus, you see a "flash" on the screen...it is so fast but just incredible to know what happened.  After the transfer, we received a picture of our embryo and of course, I think it's perfect!!  It is amazing that at this stage, the sex of the baby, hair color and eye color are already determined.  Wow!  So, we then left the center, a little dazed and trying to let what just happened absorb!  I'M PREGNANT or PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise)!  I went home to my couch and watched movies and was pampered by David, had visits from family and so much love, excitement and encouragement from family, friends and my TTC community!

I feel so blessed to have made it this far!  Now I'm on Day 4 of the dreaded two week wait...

The shots have gotten easier, but this long needle HURT!

Before Egg Retrieval #2

We snapped this picture right before transfer!

In Love!  Staring at my beautiful embaby!

There's my baby!  I'm Pregnant!

Fun socks I wore for the transfer!  The nurses loved them!

xo,

Jessica